Starting this blog almost two years ago required both courage and enough stability to respond to the internal wobbles and overwhelm that sharing openly and honestly about hard topics can bring. I have felt both courageous and incredibly shaky during this journey. Sharing the deepest and darkest feelings, thoughts, and fears that I hold inside of me is not an easy thing to do…even in this semi-anonymous blog space.
Yet here I am almost two years later, lost in struggle and staring at my white flag of surrender. I don’t really want to pick it up. I definitely don’t want to wave it. Hell, I don’t even want to look at it. But the cloudy-at-best purpose that I entered into this blogging world with two years ago has been consumed by a thick dark fog.
I am lost.
I can no longer see where I am going and what the point of any of this even is. I am lacking purpose, direction, value, and an overall will to continue here. I don’t understand all that I am feeling, but I know it isn’t healthy. Something has to change. Something has to give.
I cannot tell if this decision I am making at the moment is an act of self care or self destruction. Perhaps I will gain more clarity down the road. But for now I am choosing to stop – to step away. I am not quitting. I am not letting the darkness that feels stronger than me fully take over. But I am also not going to wallow in this dark space and continue to write and share what feels like endless meaningless drivel either.
I am intentionally resisting the strong urge to abruptly shut this blog down entirely. Instead I am going to quietly retreat and let my wishing tree go dark for a while. Maybe it will feel right at some point to return, or maybe it will feel right to permanently delete it all.
Perhaps…someday…until then…so long.