Stepping Away

Starting this blog almost two years ago required both courage and enough stability to respond to the internal wobbles and overwhelm that sharing openly and honestly about hard topics can bring. I have felt both courageous and incredibly shaky during this journey. Sharing the deepest and darkest feelings, thoughts, and fears that I hold inside of me is not an easy thing to do…even in this semi-anonymous blog space.

Yet here I am almost two years later, lost in struggle and staring at my white flag of surrender. I don’t really want to pick it up. I definitely don’t want to wave it. Hell, I don’t even want to look at it. But the cloudy-at-best purpose that I entered into this blogging world with two years ago has been consumed by a thick dark fog.

I am lost.

I can no longer see where I am going and what the point of any of this even is. I am lacking purpose, direction, value, and an overall will to continue here. I don’t understand all that I am feeling, but I know it isn’t healthy. Something has to change. Something has to give.

I cannot tell if this decision I am making at the moment is an act of self care or self destruction. Perhaps I will gain more clarity down the road. But for now I am choosing to stop – to step away. I am not quitting. I am not letting the darkness that feels stronger than me fully take over. But I am also not going to wallow in this dark space and continue to write and share what feels like endless meaningless drivel either.

I am intentionally resisting the strong urge to abruptly shut this blog down entirely. Instead I am going to quietly retreat and let my wishing tree go dark for a while. Maybe it will feel right at some point to return, or maybe it will feel right to permanently delete it all.

Perhaps…someday…until then…so long.

27 thoughts on “Stepping Away

  1. I’m sad that you are stepping away and I completely understand too. Your words are not drivel Sara they are authentic and vulnerable and that’s okay. It’s also okay to let go and walk away. I let go of my blog writing often and come back again when I feel I can. I too feel that my words are mostly miserable but this is the only place I feel truly able to release some of the intense pain that I carry. Know that it’s really okay to be you, just as you are. Much love to you Sara and hope to see you back here sometime soon ❤️🦋🌸

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I get this. I usually find that I needed the space to write anonymously more than I needed space away from it, and have regretted deleting entire blogs/journals. But, only you k own what’s right for you 💕 I appreciate you so much and all of the kind words you have offered to me. I always relate to your writing and will miss your presence. 💙💙

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Its totally ok to feel all of what you are feeling.
    Take a step back and a deep breath and see how you feel later on, could be days, could be months and that’s ok.
    Take care and hopefully I’ll see other blogs one day in the future, if not, thank you for the blogs you have been so brave to write, they have helped me at times in my own healing. All the best

    Liked by 3 people

  4. Hang in there Sara. The lost portions of our journey are so painful. But I believe we can be lost and still on track if that makes sense.

    Know that bravely opening your heart and sharing here has helped me immensely. You’ve given me courage to be more vulnerable with my own heart and also a clear sense that I am not alone.

    Keep following the whispers of your beautiful heart, and know you are not alone with the cruel lies of the inner critic.

    Thank you for what you’ve shared here. And sending you love and support for whatever next step feels right to you ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I am sorry to hear your struggle has intensified. Some depression seasons are indeed like dark, hurricane storms. You will be missed in the blogosphere – may God bring you healing and clarity.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Wishing you wellness, and sending you love and healing meditations, Sara. Though I hope you do return, know that either way, you did have an impact on our blogging community. You inspire us all. Be well, my dear friend. 💞

    Liked by 1 person

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