A Fool’s Game

Everyone has their limit. Everyone has their own personal breaking point. What’s yours? Do you think you know? Do you think you could tell if you were getting close to it? What if approaching this limit was like trying to navigate through a thick dark fog after being bound up and spun around in circles a few hundred times? How are you supposed to know where, when, and how to move when you are unable to even recognize where you stand in space? How would you know if you were standing at your edge – at your own personal limit? Maybe it’s only a matter of one step forward, or back, or to the side that spells safety or peril. But how could you tell if you were that close, and how could you possibly determine which way you needed to go?

Maybe you test all conceivable options. You outstretch your leg in each blind direction all around you, mapping the edges of safety with your foot as it carefully reads each surface like Braille. You find that you are trapped and can’t make safe progress unless you find another way. Something from deep within urges you to keep trying – to find another way. So with only the resources on and around you, you build ladders and bridges and try to make them long enough and sturdy enough to connect you to safety. But everything you construct seems to crumble under your own weight. You try to reinforce your failing ladders and bridges with nuts and bolts and duct tape and super glue and silly putty and bubble gum – with anything that might help – with anything that could make a difference. You try everything you can think of to help navigate your way out of this space. Yet you come up short – again and again and again. This leaves you with nothing but disappearing options. So you stand frozen in place for a while, thinking that maybe a new path will emerge if you can just think hard enough and be patient enough – because hope drives you to believe that a way out must somehow still exist. This flicker of hope is what keeps you searching – keeps you driving towards a belief in what might still be possible. You hang onto this hope. You need this hope. It’s your only way.

But what if while you are waiting and searching and holding onto hope the ground begins to crack and crumble and disappear beneath your feet. As you scramble for new options the edge you fear continues to creep closer and closer to you. You try to get smaller. You try to occupy less space than you require, folding yourself into a ball of crumbling hopeless self protection. Your efforts feel futile. You fail time and time again. You begin to feel a sinking force take hold of you – a convincing voice that echoes a message you do not want to own. Yet this voice tries to claim you. It’s message is loud and very clear. It leaves you questioning everything you reach for and everything you search for because none of it can actually be attained. In the end you start to believe this message. In the end it starts to become a part of you. In the end you realize that maybe chasing hope and purpose is nothing more than a fool’s game.

12 thoughts on “A Fool’s Game

  1. Yikes, this a very thorough exploration of what I would associate with a depression episode. It describes what the inner world looks and feels like when in such a state.

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    1. It’s hard to have the perspective to know how bad it really is sometimes when you’re neck deep in these kinds of feelings.
      I appreciate your comment. 💕

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Yes! It is also good to express these feelings I think – like in a poem – to relieve some of the pressure and hopefully live to healing!

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  2. You are able to so artfully invoke the full perspective of an emotion through words – and in this post its absolutely gut wrenching. It’s clear to me you have a powerfully and beautifully artistic soul. I hope you are not experiencing this emotion right now, but if you are know that you are not alone. I have been there too, and I have found a footing again. That darkness was real but it was not permanent – though it so deeply felt like it was at the time. Sending you love 💜

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  3. Powerful, Sara. I know exactly what this feels like, dear friend. It is how I lived for a very long time. Making myself smaller so other people would be more comfortable. Not anymore. I wish you much love, light, peace, and joy in this coming year. 💖 Happy New Year. 🎈🎊

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  4. Oh Sara- it sounds like from this and the last post I just commented on that you’re having a tough time. It’s bloody exhausting feeling this way and can feel unending when you’re in the thick of it. I hope little by little you can find your footing and unfurl and stretch. Making yourself small can feel protective but it’s damaging. Be gentle with yourself x

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Bless you Sarah – sending so much love to you. I can relate and I too wonder how far down is too far down. Brighter days soon ❤


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