The healing journey of a childhood sexual abuse survivor
The idea of starting this blog originated as a suggestion by a trusted friend. I gave it some brief thought and then dismissed it as a wildly self indulgent idea. After all, who would possibly care about what I have to say?
I have been expressing myself through art for as long as I can remember. In fact, I was expressing my feelings through art long before I even realized I was doing so. Drawing, painting, and creating have provided me the ability to access and express emotions often before words can be found and assigned to them. Writing, on the other hand, has become a relatively new passion of mine. I started writing as part of my personal healing from childhood sexual abuse. I found myself often sitting in my therapist’s office silently wrestling with the thoughts, feelings, and emotions that came up. I struggled to say anything out loud. I am a deeply introspective person. I spend a great deal of time in my own head, contemplating, analyzing, judging, and often second guessing every word that comes out of my mouth. By the time I could muster up the nerve to open my mouth and let words escape, they were often so filtered and muted that they didn’t come close to representing the depth and gravity of my feelings. I would often leave therapy sessions feeling defeated and full of regret for not being able to express my truth.
When I learned that I could write without the inhibition of self judgement an amazing thing started to happen. I began to access feelings and emotions that I had never expressed before. I learned how to give a voice to my deepest raw and unfiltered emotions. At first my writing remained tightly held in my own personal grasp only to be shared in my therapy sessions. Then I braved the idea of sharing some of my writing with a few people close to me, and I experienced this amazing reciprocating validation and connection from it. I learned that while my experiences may be vastly different from others, the thought processes and emotions that I experience are incredibly relatable. The more I shared the less alone, different, and broken I felt in my own feelings. I learned that my honest and open expression created not only a growing interpersonal connection between myself and others, but it also allowed others to better connect and relate to their own feelings.
Writing and art have allowed me to create a bridge from my deepest truest self into the hearts of others. This growing and healing connection I have felt has become the catalyst for taking this step and starting this blog. We were not meant to sit silently and wrestle with our deepest struggles alone. It is my hope to create a space for freeing, open, and honest expression. A place for connection, validation, and insight. A place of collective support where we can face our struggles together.
You know the feeling. You’re walking along and suddenly and unknowingly enter into the nearly invisible presence of a spiderweb. You’re startled. You did not see it ahead of you and even now can’t see it on you, but you can feel its stretchy fibers reaching across your skin. First you feel it on the … Continue reading Spiderwebs→
“I couldn’t whisper when you needed it shoutedAh, but I’m singing like a bird ‘bout it now” – Shrike by Hozier These song lyrics are a reminder of why I venture into the painful work of healing from childhood trauma. They are my reminder that my own voice can help connect to and heal the … Continue reading No Longer Silenced→
We all have memories tied to different sensory experiences. The sight, sound, or smell of something can take us on a ride back to a memory that left a lasting impression. This is a gift when we are reminded of a loved one or of an experience we wish to treasure in our heart forever. … Continue reading Lessons From The Body→
Asking why you are in thereis like questioning a personfor holding their breathwhile underwater This place was a necessitywhen no other options existed Yet in there your safetyis intertwined withmemories from whichthis place was born I will not askto lower your guardor beg for trustI have not yet earned My promise to youis to search … Continue reading Imprisoned→
How do we show up for someone in a way that provides genuine support? How do we speak to someone who is hurting to provide reassurance that they are not alone? Our careful attention to the words selected in these moments can often directly impact the efficacy of our desired intervention. If we wish to … Continue reading When Healing Words Cause Pain→
I chase my hurt awayone stroke at a timeacross the inviting canvas Moving my brushwith enough intentionprecision and speedto evade the gripof what claws at mefrom deep within Immersed in the colorscontours and texturesI welcome this rideof fleeting freedom A gift of escapewithout the stringsattached to my otherless desirable choices
You cross your legs and clear your throat. It’s time to show yourself. You shift in your seat. You swallow the trembles and carefully breathe in your surroundings. You sift and sort and try to decide which voice that you should share – internally fumbling around your rickety rolodex of parts and struggles that is … Continue reading Releasing Shame→
They filled your mind with promisesAn array of enticing colorsLeading you up a perilous climbAchieving their desired seclusion They lined your path with shacklesDisguised as your own choicesLed to a room with no exits, teeteringOn a place demanding submission Close enough to rescue that its lightShines like a beacon upon youYet others cannot see what … Continue reading The Grip of Betrayal→
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Though your garden is grey I know all your graces Someday will flower In a sweet sunshower ~Chris Cornell
